Perfect imperfections

I went shopping yesterday and this trip was unprecedented in the fact that I went alone, and with no security blanket of shared self deprecating humor, faced a fear.

 My big Dirty Thirty is looming and I was gifted a gift card to Belk (a department store that is native to the southern states) and I decided what better way to start my vacation than with a little shooping cardio?

I made my selections and made my way to the dreaded fitting rooms, I mean come on major department stores, can we get some non iridescent lighting? I digress.

The fitting room has always been, as Ron Burgundy so eloquently put it, A GLASS CASE OF EMOTION. The harsh lighting, confined space, mirrors everywhere and don't even get me started on the fitting rooms that have the shutter doors.

It takes all your imperfections and magnifies them ten fold. The only thing that would make the situation acceptable is John Legend personally serenading me and telling me how much he loves " all my perfect imperfections." But we all can't be Chrissy T can we?

I have a ritual before I have to go shopping, I do hair, I shave legs and apply my war paint, for I am about to ride in to battle. And this time I rode in, sweaty, hair thrown up, bare faced and I did something I have never done before. I stood before the three faced mirror, in my skivvies and just looked.

Really looked.

And I made it out alive, I didn't turn to stone, I didn't make myself sick and dare I say I didn't hate what I saw. I have never stood still and really looked myself over before, up until that moment I usually avoid full length mirror at all costs. I couldn't have even told you what I really look like without clothes on.

I turned and faced myself from all angles and ladies, it made me feel so at peace.

Big and Beautiful

Hi!

I am not new to blogging, I have had several over the past few years but felt compelled to start this project after having a "moment". 

I have always waited for one of those, the ones that would happen on every Oprah, both of us in tears, holding hands and reaching for the Kleenex. The big "Ah ha!" 

All life's questions answered!

Clouds parting!

Angles singing! 

It wasn't like this at all, it was more me laying in bed watching you tube videos late at night while eating cheez its. It was more of a "Heh." life moment. 

Anyway, I was watching buzzfeed videos and the one in particular hit the nail on the head for me. The video was of a plus size woman wearing a bikini, she stated that she would see other women, whether they be bigger or smaller than she, but still falling under the description "Plus size", being fashionably daring by societies standards and being in full support of them. They are so beautiful, they are so confident, they are so badass. But when the question of her trying it the reaction was an automatic "OH HELL NO!" This is me in a nut shell. 

I try to be one of the biggest supports of "Love yourself" and the crazy idea that every size and shape is beautiful.... unless that size and shape is mine, I am a giant, walking contradiction. 

I catch myself looking with envious eyes at the plus size blogs and think "why can't I be that confident?" I mean I literally asked my husband this about a week ago, like he would have an answer for me. I looked at the page a bit longer and finally asked myself "why can't you?" 

I mean it isn't like these women wore the ruby slippers and asked the wizard for confidence and POOF! they were slaying it down the yellow brick road. 

They slay because they slay.  

Confidence by it's very definition (a feeling of self-assurance arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities)  is all about Self.  This raised the question, how do I get out of my own way? 

I want to be confident with myself
I want to see myself as beautiful

So why don't I?

Easy as that, why don't I?

Seriously, for the first time in 30 years, I can actually see women representing me in every facet of media. We aren't in a dark, small corner of a store anymore, we are carving out a piece of fashion, industry and entertainment and I want to help build that, even if it is this little blog. At least I added to the discussion.

So here is to all the DoubleX's out there!

I love you.

You are beautiful.



Welcome!